Seven Moves Every Sex Goddess Has Mastered!

Do you want to know how to turn your man on like nothing else? Do you want to get him so steamed his rocket fires off like an atom-bomb? Well, if so, don't read Cosmopolitan magazine. Well, if you are completely sexually ignorant (as many women are) then maybe it can do you some good. But really, if you are this lame in bed, I really think you need more help than a woman's magazine whose prime demographic is women with sub-100 I.Q.s is going to give you.

It seems every month, the cover has some headline about how to become a sex goddess. Last month's issue said this:

Sex Smarts - Secrets of Male Arousal - A suprising Trigger to His Deepest Sex Cravings

What did the article tell you guys like? It said that you should put a mirror up during sex because guys like to see the sex happening. What else? Rub your own breasts. What else? Keep a piece of clothes on, because guys like to feel like it is spontaneous sex.

Wow! Who knew?! Guys like boobs that are played with and like watching sex. Did you really need Cosmo to tell you that? If so, I feel sorry for whomever you're sleeping with.

The other cover-story on this same magazine was:

What Even Experienced Chicks Forget to Do in Bed

What were the amazing sexual tips in this article?

1 - Initiate sex sometimes instead of letting him come to you all the time.
2 - Smile and talk during sex.
3 - Make noise during sex.
4 - Touch his body.

So, to recap girls, remember that men like to feel like you want them and that you enjoy their bodies and having sex with them. Don't forget that! Yes, you actually have to at least pretend to enjoy getting it on with the guy you're with. Sorry, but guys sort of like that a bit, in case you didn't know.

My girlfriend just picked up her (okay, mine too) guilty pleasure magazine, which is Cosmopolitan, for this month. There's this picture of Julia Stiles on the cover and she looks pretty hot, but it's mostly because of this dress she's wearing. I'd much rather see my girl in it, and that's not for any brownie points, because I've pretty much got that area overflowing already. I just think my girlfriend is hotter. Besides, she's got way nicer breasts, and this dress really slinks across the breast area.

In any case, what is this month's tip? You know there is one on every cover. It's my favorite part of the magazine. This month says:

Erotic SEX (yes it is in bold) 7 Boundary-Pushing Moves All Men Secretly Crave (and You'll Get Off On Too)

Okay, with such a title, I'm expecting it to be like facial cum-shots, or anal sex, or watching porn while banging you doggy-style, or something pretty freaky that every man wants but is afraid will get him smacked if he asks for. The threesome thing is just a given, so I assume this article will skip that one.

These tips are: get him to think dirty, be creative, treat him to sexy sights, catch him off-guard, tempt and tease him, be a voyeur, and switch up the venues.

Okay girls, remember, a guy likes to think about nasty stuff and then be able to see it and do it spontaneously, and likes to do it somewhere besides the bed from time to time. Wow. Simply genius. Now, I'm not off base here, am I? Is it just because I am a man that this all seems so painfully obvious?

BONUS! While flipping the pages, I found an article which is named pretty much exactly what I named this blog. It is a total coincidence.

Six Skills Sex Goddesses Master

What are these? More of the same, I'm afraid

1 - She knows how to build anticipation Really? Guys like to look forward to being able to get in you? Wow...who knew?
2 - She makes sex fun. Myself, I prefer a girl that knows how to make sex boring. Doesn't every guy?
3 - She's really, really enthusiastic Again, I'd prefer a boring lay.
4 - She's not body shy And once again, I'd prefer a girl that is constantly hiding and whining about her body. Oh, and never being able to have the lights on so I can see her is great.
5 - She tells me exactly what she wants Also, I'd like to add that I prefer to spend the entire time in bed guessing just what the fuck she wants me to do, all the while listening to her complain about what I'm doing since it isn't right.
6 - She has a signature move
This is actually a decent tip. Yeah, I can see not every girl realizing this. A girl is more memorable when you can remember her for something special she does. My girl has two things, actually. Lucky me! ;-)

I can't let her secrets out though ladies. Cum to think of it, she has a few.

Image taken from http://struggle.net/ben/2004/bm/marilyn_swimsuit.jpg



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Thank (Insert Important spiritual figure here) for Illegal Aliens

The subject of illegal aliens is quite a touchy one, especially here in my home state of Arizona. The only reason for this blog is that I'd like to make a few points about my opinions on the matter.

First, there is the old point that everyone's heard before. That is that these people who come here to our country take away jobs from Americans. That tends to be the argument of those on the political right. Those on the left counter that these jobs being taken are jobs that no American wants anyways: landscaping, trash disposal, street cleaning, car washing, etc.

My personal opinion on this point is that, while the Left's opinions sound nice at first, I don't think it really holds water. When I think of the trash man in my neighborhood, I picture the two guys that come around in the truck. One is Hispanic, but the other is Caucasian. Whenever I see landscaping crews, sure, there are a number of Hispanics in the group, but I see just about as many white people. I must admit, at the car wash, there is not one single white person working out on the wash-line. Every single one of them is Hispanic.

I think it's ironic that those that complain about the illegal aliens the most (the right wingers and rich) are usually those caught using their help.

Secondly, there is the whole issue about the wall being built between our countries. It's actually more of a fence, if you've seen it. This idea is completely rediculous. These people are so determined to get here that a small fence isn't going to deter them.

Lastly, I'd like to point out the thing that many never consider. These people struggle and work their asses off, and as a result, our country is made better. Our landscapes being cleaned, our cars getting washed, and businesses finding cheap labor are all good things for the standard of living in our country, despite whether or not it is exactly ethical. In addition, what people never consider is that these people work so hard and do so with fake social security numbers. These people will never see a retirement plan or social security check in their lives, all the while having taxes taken out of their checks each month.

Have you ever thought of that? They must have a social security number to work, and therefore will be paying taxes, yet they will never receive the benefits we receive through paying our taxes: the right to vote, the right to police protection (without fear of being discovered), social security, etc.

While I am not sure as to exactly how I feel on the issues, I do admire these people for their tenacity and sacrifice. Through this sacrifice, our country sees benefits (their tax dollars and work) that we should be grateful for, so I say, "Thank (Insert important spiritual figure here) for Illegal Aliens."

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You're fat, and it's not genetics or a thyroid problem.

I saw the movie "Hairspray" recently, and it brought something to mind. My girlfriend said at the beginning, "Fat women love this movie." I told her I was just thinking that that must be true.

Beyond the movie itself, which was good (and I hate most musicals), the story about the fat girl was silly and personally a bit offensive. In the movie, she sang and argued against her being discriminated against for being fat. This is fine, as most fat people complain when people tell them they are fat. The problem that elevated this to the level of offensiveness was when she compares her being fat with causing her to struggle just as much as those that were African American during the Sixties. I am personally Caucasian, but it was still a bit off-putting. If I were African American I would have been outraged.

I am so sick of hearing fat people fighting for their "rights." It is rediculous for you to compare your "struggle" to that of people who were made slaves for centuries, or those born homosexual and have to struggle with that, or those born with mental and/or physical handicaps.

You are fat, and it's your fault. It's no one else's. What would you think if I smoked, and no one wanted to kiss me, and then I gathered similar people and marched and demanded that people be forced to kiss me? Personally, I would rather kiss a smoker than sit next to a fat person in their one-seat airplane ticket with their sweaty f*cking arms rolling over into my chair, with their smelly fat smell oozing into my nose while I try to eat.

Now I'm not saying I'm the thinnest person around, but if I were fat, I wouldn't be fighting for my rights as a fat person. I'd get on a freakin' treadmill.

You are fat, and you should have to buy two plane tickets.

You are fat, and you should have to buy two movie seats.

You are fat, and it's not your thyroid. The people I've known (two of them) that have a thyroid problem eat horribly, and are therefore fat. I guarantee you there are no Ethiopians with a thyroid problem that causes them to be fat. Sure, you may have to work harder to be thin, but you have no right to claim you have a disability on the level of Parkinson's Disease, as an example, because you are too lazy to work out a bit more than most people or watch what you eat better.

You are fat, and it's not your genetics. Sure, some families, such as mine, have a propensity for larger bodies. The women in my family have larger hips and thighs, but this does not mean they have a disability. If they wanted to be thinner, they could stop eating so many carbohydrates and heavy meat-based dishes. If genetics makes you fat, why are Europeans so thin compared to us? It's not because of genetics, it is because of culture and diet. That's it, and nothing more.

So stop complaining that you are being persecuted because you are fat. You are fat because you are lazy. It might be 3% genetics, and 5% your thyroid, but you are responsible for the other 92% of your fat, disgusting body.

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Can they make laws against what you think?

In George Orwell's books, Nineteen Eighty-Four, the author describes a dystopian society. Dystopia is the polar opposite of Utopia, the latter being a society that is perfect with no crime or hunger or problems of any sort. In a Utopia, everyone lives in a perfect, harmonious, just and fair society. A Dystopia is the opposite, where people live in oppression, fear, hunger, and poverty.

In this book, written in 1949, we are introduced to the concept of "Big Brother." Big Brother is basically the government and the agencies assigned to watching over people in order to make sure they are constantly obeying the law and acting as the government wants them to. One bureau of the government and Big Brother was "The Thought Police." It was their job to use psychology, surveillance, and other means to uncover those that had illegal thoughts. Anyone having illegal thoughts such as challenging the authority of, well, the authorities. These were the worst crimes possible, and punishable by death. The main character, Winston Smith, writes in his diary...

"Thoughtcrime does not entail death: thoughtcrime is death."

and...

"Thoughtcrime is the only crime that matters."

This concept must be simply crazy to us that live in a democratic nation, right? In our modern civilized nation, with the freedom that our children are dying for across the world as I write this, the fact that simply thinking something could get you in trouble with the law is absolutely, completely, and wholly ludicrous to us. There is no way that thoughts could cause us to be punished by the law, right?

Well, think again (no pun intended).

In our country, there is something called a hate crime. This is a crime in which the person committing an act of violence is punished more severely than someone who committed that exact same act, but who had different thoughts in their head while committing the crime. Simply because they had the thoughts of hatred towards the object of their violence, and because their thoughts were focused on bigotry, racism, and/or sexism or other things, their crime is more severe than that of someone who say, just shoots someone randomly. I would go way off-track here if I got into how this makes the lives of some people worth more than others, so I won't go there in this post.

So there you go folks, watch what you think! There are certain thoughts that will cause you to be punished more severely than those that weren't thinking those thoughts.

Remember, "Big Brother is watching you"!

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