Saturday, July 28, 2007

Seven Moves Every Sex Goddess Has Mastered!

Do you want to know how to turn your man on like nothing else? Do you want to get him so steamed his rocket fires off like an atom-bomb? Well, if so, don't read Cosmopolitan magazine. Well, if you are completely sexually ignorant (as many women are) then maybe it can do you some good. But really, if you are this lame in bed, I really think you need more help than a woman's magazine whose prime demographic is women with sub-100 I.Q.s is going to give you.

It seems every month, the cover has some headline about how to become a sex goddess. Last month's issue said this:

Sex Smarts - Secrets of Male Arousal - A suprising Trigger to His Deepest Sex Cravings

What did the article tell you guys like? It said that you should put a mirror up during sex because guys like to see the sex happening. What else? Rub your own breasts. What else? Keep a piece of clothes on, because guys like to feel like it is spontaneous sex.

Wow! Who knew?! Guys like boobs that are played with and like watching sex. Did you really need Cosmo to tell you that? If so, I feel sorry for whomever you're sleeping with.

The other cover-story on this same magazine was:

What Even Experienced Chicks Forget to Do in Bed

What were the amazing sexual tips in this article?

1 - Initiate sex sometimes instead of letting him come to you all the time.
2 - Smile and talk during sex.
3 - Make noise during sex.
4 - Touch his body.

So, to recap girls, remember that men like to feel like you want them and that you enjoy their bodies and having sex with them. Don't forget that! Yes, you actually have to at least pretend to enjoy getting it on with the guy you're with. Sorry, but guys sort of like that a bit, in case you didn't know.

My girlfriend just picked up her (okay, mine too) guilty pleasure magazine, which is Cosmopolitan, for this month. There's this picture of Julia Stiles on the cover and she looks pretty hot, but it's mostly because of this dress she's wearing. I'd much rather see my girl in it, and that's not for any brownie points, because I've pretty much got that area overflowing already. I just think my girlfriend is hotter. Besides, she's got way nicer breasts, and this dress really slinks across the breast area.

In any case, what is this month's tip? You know there is one on every cover. It's my favorite part of the magazine. This month says:

Erotic SEX (yes it is in bold) 7 Boundary-Pushing Moves All Men Secretly Crave (and You'll Get Off On Too)

Okay, with such a title, I'm expecting it to be like facial cum-shots, or anal sex, or watching porn while banging you doggy-style, or something pretty freaky that every man wants but is afraid will get him smacked if he asks for. The threesome thing is just a given, so I assume this article will skip that one.

These tips are: get him to think dirty, be creative, treat him to sexy sights, catch him off-guard, tempt and tease him, be a voyeur, and switch up the venues.

Okay girls, remember, a guy likes to think about nasty stuff and then be able to see it and do it spontaneously, and likes to do it somewhere besides the bed from time to time. Wow. Simply genius. Now, I'm not off base here, am I? Is it just because I am a man that this all seems so painfully obvious?

BONUS! While flipping the pages, I found an article which is named pretty much exactly what I named this blog. It is a total coincidence.

Six Skills Sex Goddesses Master

What are these? More of the same, I'm afraid

1 - She knows how to build anticipation
Really? Guys like to look forward to being able to get in you? Wow...who knew?
2 - She makes sex fun. Myself, I prefer a girl that knows how to make sex boring. Doesn't every guy?
3 - She's really, really enthusiastic Again, I'd prefer a boring lay.
4 - She's not body shy And once again, I'd prefer a girl that is constantly hiding and whining about her body. Oh, and never being able to have the lights on so I can see her is great.
5 - She tells me exactly what she wants Also, I'd like to add that I prefer to spend the entire time in bed guessing just what the fuck she wants me to do, all the while listening to her complain about what I'm doing since it isn't right.
6 - She has a signature move
This is actually a decent tip. Yeah, I can see not every girl realizing this. A girl is more memorable when you can remember her for something special she does. My girl has two things, actually. Lucky me! ;-)

I can't let her secrets out though ladies. Cum to think of it, she has a few.

Image taken from

Click Here Subscribe to The Blog of R.A.Matheson by Email

Add to Google

Click this to add this blog to your My AOL, My Yahoo, Google Homepage, or other reader!


Tonya said...


Yeah, these mags kill me with their "advice."

But, you know, to the majority of people out there, maybe these ARE things they don't know.

Hell,I don't know. I hope that's the case.

Because everything they say in these articles is old hat to me.

But maybe that's because some of us are "special." (And not in the short bus kind of way!)

LMAO! :)~

Christina said...

Wow. I can't imagine sex without these things! Well, after having sex with the same person for 12 years, you kind of get really good at it. :-)