Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Your Children Disgust Me

I'm sure there will be a ton of hate-mail about this one, and yes, it may be a tiny bit tongue-in-cheek. That's the only sort of disclaimer I'm going to offer.

But really, folks, I hate your children. I may be biased, but is my child the only one that doesn't look like a clay-mation doll that used fat instead of clay, and then went horribly wrong? I may be biased, but is my child the only one that doesn't smell like week-old bacon? I may be biased, but is my child the only one with an I.Q. over eighty? I may be biased, but is my child the only one that has a personality that is tolerable?

I can't stand other people's children. They really disgust me. I'm sure every parent feels this way a bit, but when I take him to say, his school, I almost feel bad for leaving him with that riff-raff. It's the most accredited school in the state, and is attached to a major University, and all the parents of these kids are either current University students, or alumni. But seriously, if a kid there isn't ugly, it's drooling, if it's not drooling, it's got snot dried all over it's fat face, if there's no snot, then it's staring off into space like it is brain damaged, and if it's not doing that, get the point.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, there are a few kids I like. My baby-sitter has a couple of cute and nice children, and so does my best friend. It's hard for me to think of any other children that I can tolerate though.

I mean, really. My kid is a genius. He just turned four, and he can do some simple addition (four plus four is, two plus three is, five and five is, six and six is, etc.), he can read a number of three-letter words, and can phonetically sound out and decode some two syllable words even when he's not familiar with them. He can browse a free game site such as or and find a game that looks good, download it, install it, create a shortcut on the quicklaunch bar for the game, and then delete the install file. He can type a number of names, and knows how to type the correct things to login to the computer. He can hear an album once and then not again for nine months, and then when you do finally put it on again, just choosing some random song, he can tell you what it's called and what number it is and what band it is.

For instance, we listened to Nine Inch Nail's "Pretty Hate Machine" a ton a few months back while riding around in the car. Over a couple of weeks, we listened, but never really got past track eight or nine. Only one time did we listen to the last song. A few weeks later, I put the cd in again and my son says, "Daddy, can we hear number ten Ringfinger?" I didn't even realize what he was asking for because I hadn't listened to the whole album in years.

The point of all this is that my child rules, and yours drools. Okay, again, I'm being a bit facetious here, but isn't it the right of every parent to be highly biased in favor of their child? I think it is, and I hope if you are a parent that you are as well.

It's like that Mars Volta song, you know, the one. Now, if I could only find that Mars Volta record, I'd look up the song title. I guess It'd be easier to just go ask my son what it's called. I'm sure it'd be quicker.

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Tonya said...

Yes, of course you think you;r child is better than most - because he probably is!
No arguments there! haha

My kid was pretty damn smart, too...until puberty kicked in.

Just wait.


ramatheson said...

:) Of course he is. I won't be surprised if he dumbs-down at puberty either, with all those neurons and synapses rearranging like they do during those years.